Sex Magick
by Jayni
Summary: Mal gives Simon, Kaylee, and River a little talking to about not messing with the cargo.


Simon, River, and Kaylee were sitting in a tight bunch in the mess. Mal was standing over them, generally menacing.

Zoe, Wash, and Jayne were in the wings, trying not to look amused.

"People. Some members of this crew decided to break the golden rule--"

"Whoa. You mean they were having sex in it? I thought-_chou ma niao!_- She's your _sister_!--" Jayne was cut off by the elbow in his gut.

Mal glared back over his shoulder, Zoe nodded for him to continue.

"As I was saying. The golden rule: No tampering with the merchandise."

Kaylee raised her hand to say something, but Mal pointed a finger at her, causing her arm to shrink down.

"Today-- or rather, less than an hour ago, this rule was broken. So now, we have a situation."

"Like how many men does it take to pick up three _billion_ grains of sugar?" Wash was also interrupted by an elbow to the gut.

Mal glared, Zoe nodded. Kaylee was about to raise her hand again, but Mal took a step towards her, that pointing finger now waving at remarkable speeds, "I don't want to hear no excuses--" He glanced over at River, "And no pouting neither!" Then he turned on Simon who was wrapping an arm around his sniffling sister, "What in the gorram hell were you thinking wrestling in powdered sugar!"

"I thought he didn't want to hear excuses." Wash whispered over to his wife, who was doing an admirable job of keeping a straight face through it all.

"Shh, I wanna hear this," Jayne made sure he was out of Zoe's reach when he said it.

"Yeah, why weren't we invited? We're crew, too."

Mal was not amused. "Zoe! Escort the ladies out while I take care of this!"

"Of course, Sir." Zoe didn't move.

Mal raked his fingers over his face, and looked as though he might scream. "Is this mutiny? Is that was this is? That's what it's smelling like. Y'know what happens to people who mutinize?"

"Is that even a word?"

"No, husband, I don't believe it is."

"He couldn't throw us _all_ out the airlock, could he?" Jayne was half hiding behind the door frame now, like he could book it at any moment.

Simon was the first to speak out of the accused, "Could we, perhaps, clean ourselves up before you kill us?" Some of the sugar still in his hair shook loose and fell into River's face. She sneezed a little and rubbed her fists at her eyes. Her skin was shimmering with soft white powder. Kaylee was similarly covered, the pockets of her jumpsuit looking bloated, and on this occasion her finger would dip in and she'd start licking at it. Simon cleared his throat a little and tried to focus on the irate captain. River was still sniffling like she was about to cry, Simon rocked her back and forth absently.

"Doc, get your sister to stop-- stop doing _that_!"

"Well, in my expert opinion, if you would stop yelling, that would be a great start!"

Mal fumbled for his gun, like his hand was right to point it but his head knew better. Zoe shot past him and tipped it out of his fingertips and took it for safe-keeping. "He was yelling at me!"

"You were yelling at him, Sir."

"I'm the captain! He can't yell at the captain!"

"Unless the captain's hard of hearing, Sir."

Mal fumed, but then his body melted to an eerie sort of calm. He approached the defendants and knelt down in front of River. Simon protectively pulled her closer. But Mal held his hands up like he weren't going to lay a finger on her, and he pulled out his you-ain't-stupid-but-you-ain't-right voice, "Now, lil' one. You explain to me what happened now, real soft and slow like, so an ol'man like me could be understanding why we're gonna have'ta return some nice coin that would've kept us afloat for a mite longer?"

River shrugged a lil'. Mal closed his eyes and took a long cleansing breath-- which was neither as he snorted up some loose sugar in the air, nearly caused to sneeze. He wiped his face on his sleeve. He looked over at Simon for assistance.

"River, could you answer the psycho captain's question so we can live another day, please?" Simon was showing all his teeth, but it wasn't what you might call a smile.

"Wanted to make snow angels."

"Aww, that's so cute!" Zoe shot Wash a look. "But Lamby toes! Snow angels!" He put his hands up like wings on his head, wiggling his fingers.

Kaylee had a grin matching Wash's, so Mal hazarded a guess, "I take it you thought it was cute, too?"

Kaylee's head bobbled up and down in a small cloud of white. Simon sneezed. "I went in to drag her out, and kind of--" she motioned tumbling with her hands. "And that sugar was like quicksand, Capt'n, and me and River were squirming and sinking--"

"I was looking for River, and heard their voices coming from the cargo hold, and when I tried to pull Kaylee out, I uhm, kind of lost my balance and uh-- " he mimicked Kaylee's previous gesture. Mal felt there was more to that story, the way the two of them were eyeing each other out of the corner of their eyes, but that was a whole different rule being broken.

Mal framed his chin with his thumb and forefinger, stroking it across his upper lip. "Right, well, then, River. Since you started this all…" He moved his finger to point at his cheekbone. "… do you have any ideas as to what we could do about this now?"

River squirmed out of her brother's protection and leaned toward Mal, gesturing him closer, cupping her mouth with both hands. Mal shuffled forward on his heels putting his ear to her. His eyes narrowed at Kaylee who was mouthing an 'Aww' as she tugged on Simon's sleeve.

River whispered in his ear, and it looked like she had quite a bit to say. But as she kept going, Mal's face steadily drained of colour. The anger had been replaced with a blank stare into space, and elbows sat on his knees, leaving his hands to dangle. She withdrew slowly, sitting upright beside her brother. Mal looked to her, and she looked down at him nodding slowly.

Mal's lips curled into his mouth, pressing real tight like. He brushed off his thighs a bit, got up quietly, and left the mess.

Everyone was struck to silence, miming confusion and all manners of misunderstanding.

Simon, again, was the first to speak for the accused, "River. _What_ did you say to him?"

"I mingle with the gods. I mingle with divinity." She leaned over and kissed Simon's cheek wetly, before getting up and skipping after the captain. "Fill a space, she must be moist."

Wash glanced back in the Captain's wake, River in his footsteps. "Huh." He sidled up closer to his wife, slipping an arm 'round her waist. He thought out loud for everyone watching, "Did that lil' girl just sex talk our Captain?"

Zoe bit her bottom lip, nodding her head as she put her face into her husband's shoulder.

Jayne chewed on his lip, still curled around the door. Took him a second longer than the group to figure what Wash's logic. Caused him to look at where Mal and River had been, and the direction they'd gone. He huffed, nodding to himself, clearly decided on his next course of action:

"I'll be in my bunk."

Red Hot Chilli Pepper's "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" Song Lyrics


End file.
